Paradox of Miracles

I've always believed in miracles. I heard stories of my mother being healed after an accident before I was born. On my mission, I saw a little girl with fever suddenly go play and run around after a blessing of healing. I believe I have been healed from other major and minor illnesses during my lifetime.

Yet I feel Heavenly Father has also seen fit for me and my family and friends to endure physical trials. I have a mental illness that I deal with daily. Many in my family have mental illness. My father and sister have a lifelong neurological illness. We each have our cross to bear.

I struggled in high school when several of my classmates lost their parents. We had also lost a classmate in our small high school class (I didn't know him very well). His mother taught at the high school where she helped comfort us through that rough period.

The paradox that my parents were alive and my friends and classmates had lost theirs troubled me.

Now the paradox returns: I have my child where others I know have lost their children. I am experiencing "survivor mom's guilt with PTSD" as I've termed it.

I remember my son's body looking unnatural while my husband performed CPR. My son was a corpse for a few minutes, but he lived.

We worried about spinal cord injuries, brain damage, and swallowing injuries. Twenty-four hours after admission, an MRI cleared him of major brain damage and spinal cord injuries. Thirty-six hours later, they took out the breathing tube and he was talking to us. On Friday, he passed all the cognitive, swallow, and movement tests. So he was our son with a full recovery...just tired.

My husband and I were so relieved to take him home Friday night when he had been lifelighted in on Tuesday night. He is our miracle boy.

A friend reminded me that Jesus Christ knows what we have each suffered.  He is the one who can mourn with us in the deepest abyss. He is the one who makes those miracles of healing the heart and body possible.

I know God performs miracles. I just don't understand the logic behind those miracles. I know there are smaller miracles when God helps us endure. Sometimes I think those are truly the larger miracles.


Yes, my family is already in counseling for this event.